My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
