It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
