I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
