You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There r osticjed everywhere
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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