I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
