I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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