Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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