ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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