does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
