Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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