If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He felt like a one man threesome
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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