I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
