You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
