sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize