There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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