i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
