First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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