You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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