I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
