Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
