i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
