apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
