I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
