so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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