How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
