"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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