I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
