made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
