i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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