girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
