I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
