my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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