quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All the doctor said was why
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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