nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
