Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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