I puked a lego.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize