she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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