I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
