I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize