does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
