In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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