Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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