i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
