and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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