My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize