Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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