Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
