I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i used baking grease as lip gloss
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
