Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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