So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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