Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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