every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
