I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
