Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
