he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
