you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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