Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
