Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
