Sry I called you an 8
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
